Healing & A Journey to Freedom

Rejecting Religion, but Not the Fear

Even though I intuitively knew that being queer was an innate part of who I was, and no amount of religious teaching could change that, I struggled to reconcile this with the messages I had been taught. At the time, I thought atheism made the most sense, given that the religion I had grown up in seemed so deeply flawed. The church labeled me rebellious, even suggesting I was demon-possessed. The rhetoric became so toxic that my parents had to leave that church and find another one—one that was slightly less homophobic, but still condemning queer identities as an “abomination.”

Despite rejecting the religion intellectually, the messages I had absorbed as a child lingered in my subconscious. The use of vivid imagery and music, the repetition of fear-based teachings, and the emotional manipulation had done its work. Though I no longer believed in the rapture or hell, that fear was still deep inside me. It affected how I saw the world, how I saw myself, and how I related to others.

Returning to Religion After a Traumatic Event

When I was 21 years old, I was hit by a car and severely injured. In a moment of crisis, those old subconscious patterns came flooding back. Despite having rejected the religion of my childhood, I couldn’t shake the belief that my injury was a punishment from God. Members of my parents’ religion told me that God had saved me from death in the accident, reinforcing the idea that I had been spared for a divine reason.

As a result, I rejoined the church and was baptized again. I “converted” back to the faith I had once left. In an attempt to “fix” myself and reconcile my queer identity with my religious upbringing, I joined a conversion therapy program. At the time, I believed this was the only way to align myself with what I had been taught was God’s will. I even paused my psychology studies in college to attend Bible school and fully commit to this path.

Self Hatred is Not Therapy: Searching for a True Healing Path

Over the next several years, I went through three conversion therapy programs. While I was still in Bible school, I began working in ministry, but I also started to see the devastating effects of conversion therapy on the people around me. I witnessed individuals who had been so deeply harmed by the process that they resorted to self-harm, and tragically, some even took their own lives. The weight of this harm became too much to bear. I could no longer justify being part of a system that caused such pain.

A Turning Point on a Healing Journey

That moment marked the beginning of a deeper questioning. I started to challenge the things I was being taught in both the religion and the conversion therapy program. Eventually, I was kicked out of the program just before I could graduate. I was a mess—emotionally distraught and unsure of my path. Yet, despite all the turmoil, I had developed an inner strength through my contemplative practice and intuition.

Even in the midst of this distress, I was cared for. The queer community rallied around me, making sure that I, at 26 years old, would survive this challenging time. Their love and support became a lifeline, reminding me that I wasn’t alone in my journey.

A Need for Physical Healing

One of the most challenging aspects of New Thought is the idea that we must take full responsibility for our experiences in life. I had no idea what I was doing, but Louise’s advice was to simply say, “I am willing to change,” and trust that the Universe would provide the way forward. So, I did just that. I trusted, even when I didn’t know what the next step would be.

Reframing Religious Teachings

My New Thought journey was supported by a lot of therapy as well. I also began to reframe the religious messages I had internalized. Rather than rejecting them outright, I focused on incorporating the good and releasing the harmful.

This wasn’t easy. I had been conditioned to believe that the “devil tricks people into leaving the religion,” but I found comfort in the passage from Galatians about the fruit of the Spirit:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23, NRSVue).

I realized that in the religion of my youth, I hadn’t seen this fruit in the lives of its followers. More importantly, the teachings that led me to reject my queer identity had kept me from experiencing this fruit. I took the fruit of the Spirit as a promise, focusing on the first three—love, joy, and peace—and began expanding my capacity to experience them.

The HIV/AIDS Crisis and a Community of Care

Growing up, I had been taught that HIV/AIDS was a punishment from God. But as I healed, I learned that Louise Hay had started healing support groups for people with HIV/AIDS, helping them find love and hope in the midst of a devastating crisis.

The queer community that surrounded me during my most vulnerable moments did so because they had already learned how to care for one another during the HIV/AIDS crisis. In the’80s and ‘90s, the queer community had experienced immense trauma, but out of that pain, they forged strong bonds and networks of care. They knew how to show up for people in need, and they showed up for me.

The Healing Journey: Evolving Through Challenges

I began to see that this crisis, which had once been framed as divine judgment, had actually expanded people’s capacity to love. As Jesus said, “You will know them by their fruits. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit” (Matthew 7:16-18, NRSVue).

The queer community, despite facing unimaginable trauma, had learned how to take care of each other. They had evolved through their challenges, creating a community of love that opened the door for my own healing.

That’s what it’s all about. We are here to evolve. The HIV/AIDS crisis, as horrific as it was, facilitated a community of love and care that ultimately saved me. Several years have passed, and I’m still healing. Louise Hay taught that healing is a lifelong process, and I’ve found that to be true. None of us are perfect, and I would be highly suspicious of anyone who claimed to be.

The Myth of Perfection and “Jesus Christ Superstar Syndrome”

One thing I’ve observed in the New Thought community is the idea that perfection is the ultimate goal. Many take the life of Jesus and claim that we are meant to follow in his footsteps, with the expectation that we will eventually reach some form of spiritual perfection. I call this the “Jesus Christ Superstar Syndrome.” It’s the belief that we are not perfect yet, but through spiritual practice, we are becoming perfect.

I push back on this a lot. I believe we are already perfect. Even those who seem trapped in ignorance or suffering are exactly where they need to be on their spiritual path. Yes, we can grow, change, and evolve. We can practice mirror work, meditation, prayer, affirmations, and other tools to facilitate our growth. But I don’t believe we can force this evolutionary process. It unfolds naturally, much like biological evolution.