“We as gay people, we get to choose our family, we get to choose the people that are around. I am your family.”
– Rupaul
Defining Chosen Family
Chosen family refers to a group of people who deliberately choose to play significant roles in each other’s lives, providing emotional, social, and sometimes even physical support. Unlike traditional families connected by blood or marriage, chosen families are bound by mutual respect, love, and shared experiences. For many queer individuals, chosen families become essential sources of strength, understanding, and belonging.
Why Chosen Family Matters
For queer people, the concept of chosen family often holds a unique and profound significance. Many of us face the difficult reality that our birth families may not fully understand, accept, or support our identities. This can be due to deeply held religious, political, or cultural beliefs that clash with our lived experiences, or because of unhealed issues that exist in our families of origin. As a result, finding the love and support that is inherently ours as queer individuals can often mean looking beyond traditional familial connections.
The common phrase “blood is thicker than water” is often used to emphasize the importance of familial bonds. However, many people misunderstand its original meaning. The full saying, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” actually highlights the power and significance of chosen bonds over those of mere birth. In other words, the relationships we intentionally form, and nurture can be more profound and enduring than those we are born into.
Finding & Defining Our Own Love
For queer individuals, developing a chosen family can be a lifeline. It offers a safe space to be our authentic selves, free from the fear of judgment or rejection. In a world where we may face discrimination and misunderstanding, chosen families provide the love, acceptance, and affirmation that we all need to thrive. They allow us to build connections based on who we truly are, rather than who others expect us to be.
Chosen families are built on shared experiences, mutual support, and a deep understanding of each other’s struggles and triumphs. They are spaces where we can find solace, joy, and a sense of belonging. In many ways, they are the family we choose for ourselves, reflecting our true values and identities.
The Glory of Finding our Chosen Family
Many of us have experienced the heartbreak of love we mistakenly believed was ours, only to be blindsided by betrayal or rejection. Living on this planet can be particularly painful for individuals with queer identities. The journey is fraught with challenges, misunderstandings, and moments of deep hurt. However, when we are able to navigate these challenges and find “our people” – those who truly see and accept us – this life can also be incredibly glorious.
The Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a crucial part of this journey. It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not about justifying or excusing the actions of those who have hurt us. It is not a free pass for the wrongs done to us. Instead, forgiveness is about freeing ourselves from the hold of past experiences. It allows us to stop being influenced by the trauma of our past.
As humans, we often replay the same painful stories in our minds, keeping ourselves stuck in a loop of suffering. Holding on to this pain can prevent us from moving forward. The past, while impactful, is over and done. It has no power over us unless we give it power by continually reliving it.
The Process of Letting Go
It’s comforting to think that forgiveness could be a one-time event, but that’s rarely the case. In my own experience, forgiveness was a process, a journey rather than a destination. I didn’t know where to start, but I knew that I was ready and willing to forgive. This willingness opened a door for my subconscious mind to find the path forward, identifying strategies that worked for me to release the past and forgive everyone involved, including myself.
Therapy played a significant role in my journey of forgiveness. It provided the tools and support I needed to navigate the complex emotions and memories associated with past hurts. Through this process, I learned that forgiveness is not something to be done alone. It requires support, understanding, and sometimes professional guidance.
The Courage to Be Loved Again
Forgiveness and letting go are acts of courage. They clear the space within us for new experiences and new loves. Finding “our people” – those who love us unconditionally and stand by us – becomes possible when we release the grip of past pains. It takes bravery to open ourselves up again, to trust, and to embrace the possibility of love.
“I release others to experience whatever is meaningful to them, and I am free to experience what is meaningful to me.”
– Louise Hay, Author of “You Can Heal Your Life”
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”
– Dalai Lama
Embracing New Love & Cultivating Our Chosen Family
Forgiveness and letting go allow us to once again love and be loved. It is through this initial step that we begin the healing process. It is important to understand that people come and go in our lives. There are seven billion people on this planet, and the vast majority of them will never know us. Finding our people can be an adventure, but to truly find our people, we also have to be willing to release those who aren’t meant for us.
Louise Hay, a metaphysical teacher and author, beautifully captures this idea in her affirmation:
“I know that each person has divine guidance and wisdom within them, so I do not need to have to run their lives. I am not here to control others; I am here to heal my own life. People come into my life at the right time, we share the time we are meant to have together, and then at the perfect time, they leave and I lovingly let go. I release others to experience whatever is meaningful to them, and I am free to experience what is meaningful to me.”
This affirmation encourages us to be open and receptive to all the good that life has to offer. Instead of clinging to old, worn-out relationships, we can free ourselves from those that do not serve us. This opens us up to connections that best reflect our most authentic selves.
It takes courage to step out in love, and there may be times when we experience disappointment. However, if we are unwilling to take that step, we might miss out on some truly amazing relationships.
Loving Ourselves Fully
As RuPaul puts it, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?” This statement holds a profound truth. Even Jesus said, “Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF.” It’s the “as yourself” part that many people overlook. I believe that many are already fulfilling this commandment, but the issue is that they often have a low opinion of themselves, which reflects in their treatment of others.
Loving oneself is not vanity; it’s a recognition of truth. At Folx with Faith, we affirm that we are expressions of divine love. This means we are inherently worthy of love, including love from ourselves. We are beautifully and wonderfully made, and loving ourselves is about acknowledging the innate goodness of who we are.
When we truly love ourselves, we no longer need to search for love externally. We begin to understand that all the love we will ever experience is already within us. We can choose to be our own best friend, to support ourselves, to stand up for ourselves, and to find fulfillment within ourselves.
We did not come to this planet to be someone else; we came to be our true selves. The spark of creation that resides in each of us deserves all good, all love, and all joy. Loving ourselves connects us with our authenticity, so we no longer feel the need to pretend to be anything other than who we are. As we build relationships, the people who surround us with love are genuinely loving our true selves, not a fabricated version.
Loving oneself goes hand in hand with authenticity, and through authenticity, we begin to create our chosen family – relationships and environments where we know we are safe. This process takes time, but it is time well spent.
At Folx with Faith, we are dedicated to building communities where people can explore their spirituality in an inclusive and supportive environment.
“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?”
– Rupaul
Chosen Family & Affinity Groups
At Folx with Faith, our goal is to establish affinity groups that serve as places where people can explore their spiritual side in a safe and affirming environment. While many institutions and communities are affirming and offer valuable support, there are inherent challenges that come with
In my experience, institutionalized communities are often filled with well-meaning individuals who genuinely seek to support one another. However, the needs of the institution can take precedence over the needs of its members. This can lead to situations where the well-being and growth of the individual are compromised in favor of maintaining the status quo or protecting the institution’s interests.
Creating our own queer-centric spiritually oriented affinity groups can often replace or compliment the experiences we have with traditional religious and spiritual spaces. Just like with our families of choice, queer-centric groups can provide the nourishment we need on our spiritual journeys. Humans are a communal species and even the most reclusive among us thrive when we are surrounded by likeminded and supportive people.
Check out the links below to find more information about Folx with Faith groups or sign up for our newsletter to find out more about what Folx with Faith is doing in the world.
